I was teaching a workshop recently when a participant asked this question:

“How can I let myself process intense anger in certain situations, but still stay calm?”

I love this question because it points to two very important facts.

1. It's healthy for us to allow ourselves to fully experience our reality, even when there are emotions or parts of the experience that are in conflict with one another.

2. We have the capacity to hold space for both. It may take some practice. But it is possible.

So how do we practice this?

Like the question above, often we have two different- seemingly conflicting- emotions or experiences occurring simultaneously in our reality.

I feel angry. I want to be calm.
I want to go for a run. I am tired.
I want to travel. I don’t have the money for a ticket.

When we have these two realities occurring, 80-90% of the time, our brain unconsciously links them as one thought with the word “BUT”, like my client did when she asked her question.

I feel angry but I want to be calm.
I want to go for a run but I am tired.
I want to travel but I don’t have the money for a ticket.

When we use the word BUT, our brain automatically interprets the second part of the statement (the part that follows the but) as a reason to limit the first part of the statement (the part that comes before the but).

This linked statement comes from a place of lack and stimulates our survival brain, making it harder for us to connect to the advanced cognitive part of our brain, which is where we problem solve, figure out solutions and see possibilities.

Instead of the word but, there is a different word we can use that will allow these two seemingly conflicting emotions or experiences to be able to peacefully coexist in our reality without our survival brain connecting them in a way that has one limiting, diminishing or overshadowing the other, or each other should our conflicting experiences involve others experience differs from our own.

So what word do we use instead?

I would love to hear, what is one example of conflicting emotions/experiences in your life where the use of “but” causes you to feel limited or stuck in taking action? And what possibilities could it open up for you if you change but to and?