2 common communication mistakes + how to fix them
As we sit at the precipice of the Jewish new year, which begins tonight, I am reminded of one of the characteristics that all humans share- no matter religion, race, ethnicity, or socioeconomic standing- and that is the need for connection.
Humans evolved to be social creatures probably because, for our ancient ancestors, being alone could be dangerous and reduce the odds of survival. Experts think loneliness may have emerged as a unique type of stress signal to prompt us to seek companionship.
According to Katherine Peters, MD, PhD, FAAN, associate professor of neurology and neurosurgery at Duke University, “Loneliness can change the neurochemistry of the brain, turning off the dopamine neurons, which trigger the reward response, and causing some degeneration in the brain when the reward response is not activated.”
There are 3 types of loneliness:
Intimate/Emotional: Feeling like you lack relationships or attachments. Someone to turn to in times of need, like a best friend or a partner.
Relational/Social: Not feeling a sense of belonging to a group beyond yourself. (or yourself and your partner).
Collective: Feeling detached from the wider community or world at large.
All types of loneliness can show up as acute or chronic and sometimes we can even feel lonely when we have a connection that "misses the mark". One where we feel unheard or misunderstood or struggle to understand another's perspective.
One of the best antidotes for loneliness is to strengthen our connections. And we can begin to strengthen our connections by strengthening our own communication skills.
There are 2 Common Communication Mistakes many people make that can actually increase feelings of disconnection instead of making us feel closer to one another. Read below to see if you’re making them and the easy fixes.
2 Common Communication Mistakes + The Fixes to Create Deeper Connections
Disconnection Habit #1
Not listening to hear or asking/telling the other person what is needed: As humans we generally don’t listen to hear, we listen to respond. Our brain tries to compartmentalize everything we hear into a “known” category. It’s our brain’s protective mechanism for survival so that we can be relatable to people and secure our place as part of the group.
This can especially happen when we choose to share vulnerable topics: such as a problem we’re having at work or an argument we had with a friend. Think of a time when you wanted to share a story and feel heard and instead of listening, the other person immediately started offering solutions or ways to fix things. Or maybe you wanted to vent your frustrations and the other person kept trying to point out silver linings and so you started feeling guilty about being upset.
How to connect more deeply: Before someone begins sharing, ask them what they need. Are they look it for answers or way to solve or fix it? Do they just want you to listen? Would they like you to offer thoughts in response?
If you’re the one sharing, tell others what you want from them that would feel the most helpful, supportive and beneficial to you.
Disconnection Habit #2
Not seeing a situation from all perspectives: Our brain understands things on an intellectual level and our body understands things on an experiential level, which can often lead us to believing that the way we think of or experienced something it “right” or the only perspective. But since we all have our own experiences it can also lead to us having different perspectives and opinions based on what each individual has experienced.
How to connect more deeply: While we can never truly walk in anyone else’s shoes, we can learn from one another and expand our understanding by choosing to see a situation from as many perspectives as possible.
May the coming year bring peace and deeper connections for all of us.
